Category Archives: funniness

On the Eve

For the first time in more than a year, I have my first real interview for a job tomorrow at 11.

I’m finding I’m feeling the oddest combination of wicked excited and incredibly anxious.  I started having the weird anxiety dreams a couple of nights ago (had ‘em again this morning, too), and I’m actually stressing out about what to wear.

Me, stressing out about what to wear.  If you knew me in real life, you’d know that this was a sign that all is not entirely well.  Chili almost never stresses about what to wear; it’s just not what I do.  Here I am, though, worrying about finding the balance between professional and casual, classic and fun, pretty and comfortable.  Trousers or a skirt?  Capri pants or a dress?  Sleeveless and a jacket, or a button-down blouse?  Plain or patterned; colors or black and white?  And, oh, GOD, which shoes?!

It’s utterly ridiculous, and I need to stop.

For all that, though, I’m going in with no small amount of confidence.  The person who’s lead English teacher on the team has known me online for going on 7 years now, and in that time has had full access to all my blogs and my facebook page, so she knows exactly who I am and what’s important to me.  I also know – in a way that is not at all arrogant or conceited – that I am damned good at what I do.  I know it’s cliche to say that someone would be an asset to whichever outfit is smart enough to hire them, but I really feel like I have something valuable and important to offer.  Knowing these things is helping to buoy me.

So, should I wear the diamond earrings, or the pearls?

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Filed under dumbassery, funniness, I can't make this shit up..., I love my job, job hunting, little bits of nothingness, out in the real world, really?!, self-analysis, winging it, Yikes!, You're kidding...right?

English is MESSED. UP!

This reminded me of Adam.  I wonder how he’s doing now…..

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Filed under bad grammar, funniness, little bits of nothingness, the good ones

Quick Hit: I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

So, the freshmen are watching Remember the Titans in conjunction with their just having read To Kill a Mockingbird and writing short character sketches.

I sent a permission slip home a couple of weeks ago but, despite my constant nagging, some of them showed up on the first day of screening without the signed form.  A couple of those kids asked if they could call their parents and ask them to send me an email giving them permission to see the film this morning, and I said yes.

One of their moms sent me an email giving her daughter permission to watch – get this – Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Wha…?

Apparently, Baby Girl went from “Remember the Titans” to “Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles” and never thought to question herself (or me) about it.  Apparently, neither did her mother, who was perfectly willing to let her kid see the film (for the record, she was okay with Titans, too, but still…).  I can only imagine what on earth they were thinking of me when they were under the impression that this was a part of our English class.

image credit

It was the best laugh I had all week.

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Filed under failure, film as literature, funniness, I can't make this shit up..., I've got this kid...., parental units, really?!, You're kidding...right?

You Might be a Teacher….

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER?
by Jeff Foxworthy

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
*I can totally do this. What freaks the kids out is that I can tell who is WHISPERING. My eyesight may suck, but my hearing is PERFECT.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
*Not so much laminating, but I love turning stickers into magnets.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr.> _________” and know you have been spotted.
*heh

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.
*this happens to me more often than I expected, given that I teach high school…

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty minutes.
*I usually keep my lunches simple

6. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and planning period.
*Yep

7. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
*I do this, too, but more for the art teacher than for myself.

8. You believe the teachers’ lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.
*Actually, we’re campaigning for a wet bar…

9. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers off.”
*Don’t even get me STARTED!

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.
*Isn’t it??

11. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
*I can also tell who’s expecting her period

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”
*DON’T JINX US!!!

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
*Yeah, but I wanted to do that even before I was a teacher…

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.
*Not so much with this, but I DO want to regularly hose the kids down with Lysol, the little germ factories…

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
*DUH!

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own needs.
*This is true. I was astounded when I added up my “teacher receipts” from last year.

17. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!
*Hi, I’m Mrs. Chili, and I’m an office supply addict…

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”
*Not so much with this one…

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
*I do

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and finally,
*I am

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.
*Oh, dear GOD! You have NO idea how true this is!

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Filed under funniness, little bits of nothingness

Quick Hit: This Cracked Me Up *EDITED*

I’m a closeted fan of passiveaggressivenotes.com.  I found this there this afternoon, and it gave me a giggle.

*Edited to include: Kizz commented that the handwriting in the grammar note looks a lot like mine.  It’s not, but she’s right: observe

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Filed under funniness, Grammar

Nervy

I don’t know why, but I continue to be astounded by some of the things that my students will say out loud and to my face.

I’m currently sitting in the L.U. library with my freshman English class. The librarian gave a very useful and informative lecture about the numerous and, quite frankly, kick-ass resources available to the kids – databases and full-text online scholarly journals, citation makers, connections to other libraries’ resources; it’s a geek’s paradise. The students have everything they need to write their next paper literally at their fingertips, and I’m certain that they have exactly ZERO idea of how good they have it (in fact, I’m sitting here flashing back to my own time here as an undergrad having to hunt down actual books, can you IMAGINE?!).

The librarian’s lesson ended with about 20 minutes to go to the end of class. The students each have a laptop, plugged right into this treasure trove of intellectual gold, in front of them, and no fewer than THREE of them turned around to ask me if they could leave.

Really? No; REALLY?!

No, Babies, you may not leave. Knuckle under, use those brandy-new skills the nice librarian just gave you, and start working on your next paper. I’m sure that 20 minutes of focused work will not only not hurt you, but it may actually do you some real good.

Honestly.

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Filed under dumbassery, failure, frustrations, funniness, General Griping, I can't make this shit up..., I've got this kid...., really?!, student chutzpah, Yikes!

Grammar Wednesday

FANBOYS!

I have a number of pet peeves, so I’m going to work though them one at a time.  Today, you’re going to get the “coordinating conjunction starting a sentence”  peeve.

A coordinating conjunction is a word that connects a word, phrase, or clause to another.  Anyone remember Conjunction Junction?  Yeah – that; coordinating conjunctions are the words that put ideas together; For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So – FANBOYS.

These words are not, however, words to start new ideas, and here’s where we get into trouble.  Except when writing dialogue (or in very casual writing situations), it’s not okay to start a sentence with any of the FANBOYS; doing so almost always results in a sentence fragment.  Observe:

But it was because I was hungry.

And then she left.

So I kicked her.

Do these things work in creative writing?  Yes; in fact, I love to use, “and ANOTHER thing…!” but it is almost impossible to make a complete sentence that begins with a FANBOYS word because the coordinating conjunction tells you that there’s another idea that needs to come before this one.

So don’t do it.

image credit

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Filed under funniness, General Griping, Grammar

Get Out of My Office..

…before I pop a freaking vein.

Oh dear GODDESS!  After the weekend spent listening to students’ excuses about why they couldn’t finish all their work (and grading the work they DID do), this was EXACTLY what I needed to see.

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Filed under dumbassery, failure, funniness, General Griping, I love my job, little bits of nothingness, really?!, student chutzpah, Yikes!

Ten Things Tuesday

I’m taking a cue from Mamie and listing ten things that I say (often multiple times in a day) over the course of my professional life.

1.  Less talking, more writing!

2.  I don’t know; what do YOU think?

3.  You know I can hear you whispering, right?

4.  ONE butt to a chair, please.

5.  Did you REALLY just say that out loud and in front of witnesses?

6.  ….AND….?  Give me more!

7.  Oh, DO quit your whining.  You have to do ONE homework assignment; your teachers have to grade and enter them ALL….

8.  If you don’t ask, the answer is always ‘no’.

9.  Stop saying “like” (this usually renders them temporarily speechless, often amusingly so).

10.  You know I love you, right?  (usually uttered before the delivery of some form of verbal smack down).

I discovered the other day that some of my freshmen are keeping a running log of the things that I say that they think are funny.  I know for sure that they copied down “I need to take up coffee… or maybe rum,” the other day, which was my response to their being completely wound up and uncontrollable at 8:00 on a Monday morning.   When the list gets to ten, I’ll publish them for you; I think you’ll be surprised by some of the things that get said in my classroom…

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The Alice Light Bulb Moment

Yesterday, I posted an entry on the Blue Door in which I said that I was too busy to blog about some things, and one of the things I was too busy to blog about was the fact that in every single class I ran on Thursday, I was able to pull off  what I call “Helen Keller” or “light bulb” moments; that glorious few seconds when a kid leaps from “I don’t get it” to “OH!  NOW I see!!”  I live for these moments, and the fact that I was able to execute the same one in all three of my core English classes was kind of a record for me.  I needed to share.

The entirety of CHS is reading Alice in Wonderland.  Several of the kids have read it before (and a number of them are familiar with bits of the story through various film interpretations), but none of them has analyzed it yet; they’ve read it for the surface stuff, but really haven’t taken the time to really think about all the weird shit that happens in the novel.  I had suspected that the kids were blowing through the book without really getting what they were reading, and I suspected that they were missing some of the funny stuff, so I decided to point something out to them to see if I was correct.

At the very outset of the story, Alice impulsively follows a waistcoated white rabbit down his hole and finds herself falling for what feels like forever; she has time to observe the walls around her and to investigate an empty jar of orange marmalade, and then she starts thinking about how she’s going to apply this experience to her life when she returns to it (though she doesn’t really give a thought as to how she’s going to get out of her predicament; her impulsivity is something which serves as a constant through the novel).  She thinks to herself:

“After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down-stairs! How brave they’ll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn’t say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!” (which was very likely true.)

I read that passage aloud and asked the kids to really think about what was being said here, both by Alice and by our narrator (who, it turns out, has a flair for snark).  They read it, and read it again, and really didn’t see anything much to it.   Just when they started thinking that I was seeing something that wasn’t really there (“because English teachers do that all the time, you know; they try to find something deep and meaningful in everything!”), one girl gasped and her eyes got HUGE and I pointed at her and said “SHHHHH!  Let them work it out for a little longer!”

Of course, this got them all riled up; they HATE it when one of them is in on a joke that they don’t get, so they went back to the passage and tried to will themselves to figure it out.  One by one, a few more kids got the joke, and when about five of them were bouncing in their seats wanting to explain it to all the other kids, I pointed back to the first girl and said “GO!”

“YOU GUYS!” she said, “The narrator is telling us that she wouldn’t say anything if she fell off the top of the house because she’d be, like, DEAD!  She LITERALLY wouldn’t say anything about it because she’s be a smear on the sidewalk!”

Yes, my lovely; that’s it exactly.

That scene played out, in almost exactly that way, in all three of my classes.  It was awesome.  My hope is that this little exercise will inspire my babies to read more carefully, and with an eye toward the snarky and ironic.  We shall see if my hope is well-founded.

I love my job.

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Filed under analysis, book geek, fun, funniness, great writing, Helen Keller Moment, I can't make this shit up..., I love my job, Literature, little bits of nothingness, reading, success!, Teaching, the good ones